It's Time.....

 

I wish the word “closure” could magically close off all emotions and sentiments.  I wish that one word could erase all the years of life I wasted, but I can’t. Did I truly waste those times though when I had an unwilling partner to stand by me?  Instead, I’ve come to find a new life that I love and cherish, but the past haunts me still.  Memories flood into my mind and confound me, but yet my present state of existence frees me. 

 

I can explore the world as I want and will.  Nothing and no one holds me back.  A part of me smiles inwardly at that.  The other part of me exists in a state of sorrow and torment.  What would God have me do? I hang my head in shame when I ask that question to myself.    I have debaucheries that exist within that world of reasoning and my disemboweled hopes/dreams that I could be loved truly and unconditionally by another person.  Those thoughts have become a fairy tale that only Disney could tell. 

 

I’m at a bittersweet moment in my life.  I love what I have, but I miss what could’ve and should’ve been.  Promises made, hopes, dreams, plans that are now just a slab of concrete weighing heavily on my heart and mind into the middle of a still lake. 

 

I guess It’s ironic in a way – or at least sarcastic.  My life has become a sequence of Shakespeare’s plays; happy, sad, morose, revenge, feelings of inadequacy…yet, I cannot hate.  I wish I could despise those whom have caused my heart to change so much.  Perhaps that is my downfall.  I don’t have the ability to hate because that is the one thing that hasn’t changed in my soul.  I love everyone and everyone I meet seems to be drawn affectionately to me.  Why?

Yet, one of my children are the same way.  He is always forgiving and loving and kind.  When he is hurt, he turns the other cheek. O, how I wish I could be quite the same as he.  He may look like his father, but that is where the similarities end.  Honestly, I’m quite thankful for that although it will cause him pain when he loves someone so much and that person abandons him.  I guess we all have to learn self-strength. 

In this day and age of a pandemic when we are all encapsulated within our homes, it is so tough to work through anything.  In my line of business as a nurse I see women who have become pregnant through the pandemic and then regret it because of the implications of bringing the child into the world during this chaos.  “Chaos,” something that most of my generation never would have expected and can’t be comprehensible by the masses.  Society has become a mesh of masks, social distancing, and utter loss of acceptance by others.  After all, who knows who has been exposed or not?