It's Time.....

 

I wish the word “closure” could magically close off all emotions and sentiments.  I wish that one word could erase all the years of life I wasted, but I can’t. Did I truly waste those times though when I had an unwilling partner to stand by me?  Instead, I’ve come to find a new life that I love and cherish, but the past haunts me still.  Memories flood into my mind and confound me, but yet my present state of existence frees me. 

 

I can explore the world as I want and will.  Nothing and no one holds me back.  A part of me smiles inwardly at that.  The other part of me exists in a state of sorrow and torment.  What would God have me do? I hang my head in shame when I ask that question to myself.    I have debaucheries that exist within that world of reasoning and my disemboweled hopes/dreams that I could be loved truly and unconditionally by another person.  Those thoughts have become a fairy tale that only Disney could tell. 

 

I’m at a bittersweet moment in my life.  I love what I have, but I miss what could’ve and should’ve been.  Promises made, hopes, dreams, plans that are now just a slab of concrete weighing heavily on my heart and mind into the middle of a still lake. 

 

I guess It’s ironic in a way – or at least sarcastic.  My life has become a sequence of Shakespeare’s plays; happy, sad, morose, revenge, feelings of inadequacy…yet, I cannot hate.  I wish I could despise those whom have caused my heart to change so much.  Perhaps that is my downfall.  I don’t have the ability to hate because that is the one thing that hasn’t changed in my soul.  I love everyone and everyone I meet seems to be drawn affectionately to me.  Why?

Yet, one of my children are the same way.  He is always forgiving and loving and kind.  When he is hurt, he turns the other cheek. O, how I wish I could be quite the same as he.  He may look like his father, but that is where the similarities end.  Honestly, I’m quite thankful for that although it will cause him pain when he loves someone so much and that person abandons him.  I guess we all have to learn self-strength. 

In this day and age of a pandemic when we are all encapsulated within our homes, it is so tough to work through anything.  In my line of business as a nurse I see women who have become pregnant through the pandemic and then regret it because of the implications of bringing the child into the world during this chaos.  “Chaos,” something that most of my generation never would have expected and can’t be comprehensible by the masses.  Society has become a mesh of masks, social distancing, and utter loss of acceptance by others.  After all, who knows who has been exposed or not?

Again, a long time....

I know I've been pretty sucky about keeping up with this blog - with Dan and I both having Facebook accounts, that has taken precedence over this blog...but I guess I should update it. About a month or so after my last post (see below) regarding the loss of a very close friend of ours - my dear grandmother, Meme, passed away quietly in her hospital bed. It was a blow to all of us, but especially to our poor little Andrew. He was very close to her. She is missed by all of us so much...and especially to my mother who has been taking care of her in her (Mom's) home for the past few years since my grandfather's death. About two weeks prior to Meme's hospitalization and her death, my mother (seen in the picture with Meme) wanted me to come over and take some pictures of her, me, and the kids with Meme. Mom's timing was impeccable - as we would've never had another chance to take those pics again...

On other matters - I'm only working at Duke in the Pediatric Oncology clinics one 12 hour shift per week - yet again. The rest of the week is spent shuttling kids to school and preschool, as well as working as a medical transcriptionist from home. The upside - I'm home for the kids and Dan more - the downside - trying to listen to a doctor mumbling at light speed while I try to type word for word what he's saying, while also listening to Nathanael ask me for a movie, snack, or juice - or even better yet, tell me what the dog is doing - yea, you tell me how much work you would get done from home...it can make for a challenging day at times....

Nathan is in preschool three half days per week, Cody is in 5th grade and has been nominated to be in the AG (academically gifted) classes in his school, Andrew is in kindergarten and having a much better time with it this year.

They had a great time for Halloween. Cody was Storm Shadow from GI JOE, Nathan was Wolverine from X-Men, and Andrew was Iron Man. My in-laws were gracious enough to let us go to their large neighborhood to do our damage...and the kids definitely did damage in the candy collecting department. For every house they collected a piece of candy from though, they gave a present...a piece of paper with a scripture from the Bible - so we went "tract or treating" instead of complete "trick or treating." The kids enjoyed the experience and a few of the houses' occupants seemed to take to it well...others, well....were still handing out the candy...

Cody is growing up so fast and looks more and more like my clone, Andrew has always been Dan's clone, and Nathanael appears to be a mix of Dan and I both (see above close up of kids pics). Each kiddo has their own personality, as all kids do...

Cody is our scientific loving kid - but hates math (go figure). He would rather study biology (his fav program on tv was "House" until we stopped him from watching it b/c it can get raunchy at times) and how things work, but not care HOW they work. He's our doer in that aspect. He will build stuff with instructions, but he loves learning about human/animal bodies and how they work (again, go figure, Mommy is a nurse). Him and I have sat and had discussions about different disease processes and treatments, and I almost feel like I'm talking to a peer a week or more later. He retains it. He has learned an appreciation for reading as well, (much like his mother - just not as fast reading as Mommy yet), but he prefers visualizations. I frequently work with sickle cell kids at work and I brought home slides to show him the cells that are different and then had to have a science lesson with him in my living room on a white erase board b/c he wanted to truly know what the cells did....talk about challenging Mommy's knowledge.... He is also our smart alec in the family...see the pic...he built the figure....he is quick witted and has begun to pick up on things a lot quicker in the terms of going, "Huh? What did you mean by that?" Or...worse yet, he comes with quick witted comments to things that we say around him....we gotta watch him.

Andrew is the "heart," as he has much of it. He loves everyone and doesn't know a stranger. You know of the tv program "Everyone Loves Raymond?" Well, in our lives, the tv show of our family life would be "Everyone Loves Andrew" - well except for his brothers at times, so it seems. When we went to NJ in August, he laid with Aunty Pinky and they ended up falling asleep together(sorry, Aunt Pinky if you don't think its a flattering pic of you - I thought it was cute)...although, he DID wake up for the picture -barely. He can be tempermental, and he's so hard to shop for during birthdays and Christmas - He wants to be a big boy and have big boy stuff like Cody for Christmas, but he also likes the stuff that Nathan gets....makes Christmas this year tough. He hasn't developed his own likings...he just follows the crowd - always wanting to please and put his heart into everything and everyone that he meets.

Nathanael - he has become our challenge. He is defiant at times, argumentative, whiny when he doesn't get his way, and questioning EVERYTHING...but he also knows that he's cute and adored because he is the baby of the family and Cody dotes on him hand and foot...and so have we at times. He thinks he can get away with "murder." Dan and I have recently been trying to correct this attitude and are finding that it's better to raise kids(so all you to be parents know this) the same way (to some extent b/c each child is different). Wow, it took us to get to number three child to realize this???

Dan is doing well. He lost his job just as my hours cut down at work(which was our choice about how much time I worked outside the home). He had the opportunity immediately after losing his job to work for a family owned business that he had actually worked for a year before - this boss(the one he works for now) wanted him back. So we are blessed that Dan is in a good place with his job mentally. And regardless of what everyone says - "If Mommy ain't happy, no one is..." I lengthen this statement.... "If Mommy ain't happy, no one is... If Daddy ain't happy, no one is, BUT if they are both happy...then everyone is."

For more pics and such, you can look Dan and I up on Facebook. I will try to be better and update here at least once per month...

Thank you family and friends for loving us, even though we don't always stay in touch....

In Memory of Ty

I write this now - b/c I'm not sure I could get up and speak it at a eulogy, and I'm hurting, but happy and going through all these emotions....

Saturday morning, we, family, and friends lost an incredible man, and heaven gained one of the most talented men I've ever met in my life. Ty Grant (see below for those of you who don't know mine and Dan's relationship with him) died in a motorcycle accident. No specifics yet. He was wearing a helmet and he was an experienced rider.

I met Ty Grant and his wife, Jen 6 years ago when I started playing in the praise and worship team at our church. They were an incredible couple, and God used Ty in so many ways in my life and my husband's life, and the lives of my children. He pushed me to play to the best of my ability for God. He admonished me like his daughter, and loved my husband and my children. He was their surrogate grandfather. He would always call me out when I was wrong, and help me realize what was right. He was a loving father, a good husband who loved his wife and worked hard. He never accepted a "thank you" or a hug, but by his smile and his eyes, you could always tell that he accepted those things.

I will never forget him bopping his head back and forth...getting into the music. Or how many times I teased him about getting an afro on that bald head of his...or how I playfully teased him about turning off the lights and only seeing his teeth glow in the dark. He loved chocolate cake, but he was allergic to chocolate as well.

He will be missed by all - he touched so many lives...and even as we grieve, heartbroken and unbelieving that this could happen....we know, that he beat us to the punch...as he always did with me....he's with his Daddy. And for that....a part of me can still play, can still sing the songs in my heart to God that I want to sooo badly.

Ty - while you never acknowledged how much you were loved by so many people - I hope that you did really know...how loved by us here on Earth that you were. Goodbye T-Dogg. Lucky Dogg....you met Him before we did.

We will miss you so much...

Sorry, dead link

Sorry about the link to the wedding pictures from the last post. This one should work better:

http://renewalceremony.shutterfly.com/

Enjoy!!!

Wow, didn't realize it had been so long since I posted last...

Our 10 Year Anniversary Renewal of our vows went well. Needless to say, I think we surprised more than a few people when we came out sword fighting down the aisle. We had a good time with our family and friends though. To see more pics of the ceremony go here (cut and copy in your browser): http://www.shutterfly.com/lightbox/view.sfly?fid=720374a20a4e16432f762628e38c6d8e

As always, things have remained busy here. However, Dan and I recently decided that it would be better for our family if I went back down to one day a week at work again. It just seemed pointless for me to work four days a week, and bring home the same amount of money as I would if I was only doing one day a week (we wouldn't have to pay childcare or as much gas money). So despite some disagreeances within our outside family members, we choose our children over my working. I'll make the same amount of money and spend more time at home with our kids. Seems reasonable for now.

Looking at the last post....Nathan potty trained in just a few days and he's been doing well with that...although, we do have issues with the "every bathroom needs to be explored" idea. If I go to three different stores in an hour, he has to visit every restroom. And granted, he does go in every bathroom that he visits - but it does get a bit old after awhile. He's developing his own little personality lately and has been known to argue his point quite vehemently. Hence, reason number one that either Dan or I need to stay home to correct our children.

Cody passed fourth grade and will be starting 5th grade in late August. He was so proud of himself - and rightly so. And yes, the picture with Andrew and Nathan does show Cody's ability to tie up his brothers. He's been a tremendous help over the summer - although he does egg the other two on at times. Hence, reason number two for one of us finding a way to stay at home and raise our children.


Andrew made leaps and bounds in kindergarten this year...but not enough to pass him. His math is good for his grade, but his reading is behind. Right now, he is on track to repeat kindergarten. However, he will be reassessed on the first day of school and we'll see from there. We've accepted that he will probably repeat kindergarten next year. He is still having articulation issues with his speech as well, but together with the speech therapist at school - hopefully his speech will continue to improve. Hence, reason number three.

Dan is still working at the same shop about 15 minutes from our house. Business is slow with the economy the way it is, but he's doing as much as is available...and some occasional side work here and there.

My grandmother has been in and out of the hospital over the past month and a half. She is in a weakened state and mom is trying to get her to eat right. However, she is used to eating the way she is used to eating and its been a battle between her and mom to get her to eat properly.

Mom has been diagnosed with having scleroderma antibodies. It's a rare disorder where her immune system will attack her organs and/or joints.

My brother Joe is now on a trip across the country with a few of his guy friends. They don't know where they are going or what they'll see. They have very little money and they are depending on the kindness of strangers along the way...should be an interesting trip....

Of milking cows and other things

So the potty training thing is slow going. He almost makes it to the bathroom, or he makes it and then goes after I pull his pants up. Fun. The highlight of our first day was after 5 hours of Nathan not peeing, Cody comes up with a brilliant, very joking idea.
"If he's holding it in, why don't we just milk him like a cow to get the pee to come out?"

Needless to say, I was ready to pee myself because I was laughing so hard...and Cody, while thinking it was funny, really didn't realize why it was so much more funny to me. All I could do was to simply look at him through teary eyes and say, "One day you will understand why that is even funnier to me than you." Didn't realize that bodily functions would ever be so funny.


Experiments:
In my quest to find dinners that are cheaper, easier to heat up in the micro (as I do all my cooking for the week in one day and then heat stuff up during the week), and, well, cheaper. Hello, three growing boys and another one that eats like he's still growing... ???!!!???

So, tuna fish is cheap right? Okay, so I took some tuna fish, frozen peas, a can of cream of mushroom soup that I had in my cubbard that hadn't expired(I usually abhor using that b/c its sooooo processed), goat milk, some salt and peppter, bisquick, and an egg - mix it all together and put it in the oven. It looked gross, but taste wise not so bad. I'm thinking, this could be a doable option for a casserole for our family once every few weeks. Easy to make, cheap, and made some rice pilaf to go with it. Cody says, "It smells good, but the aesthetic value is lacking." What is that about? I mean his vocabulary...
However "aesthetically" unpleasing as it looked (see pic), the kids ate it up with very few comments - "yum, snort, scarf, scarf, and a few mumbled mmm this is good." So I guess after 13 years of cooking, I can finally put a meal together by doing some research on what flavors go together and just making it up as I go. Praise God in Heaven for that, as well as for the internet to do the research.

Another lazy day...

So tomorrow I will officially be starting "Potty Training Bootcamp" with Nathanael. He's three years old and refuses to potty train, but tomorrow I will be taking his beloved diapers and his pants. If he pees on my floor, he's going to be in a lot of trouble. I did have to do the same thing with Andrew when he was this age as well, but Andrew was a little more willing. So, please say a prayer for me...I'm going to need it.

I absolutely had to include this picture of him lapping his water from the fountain...I've never seen anyone drink water from a water fountain quite this way before...I don't think he actually got an water to drink out of this, but his tongue definitely wasn't dry after this drink.








Andrew has been his usual self, well, maybe a little more difficult than usual. He tattles wreaks havoc with his younger brother, and totally pesters his older brother. Hmmm, I guess that makes him fit the perfect description of the "middle child." He's so loving though when he wants to be, just not to his brothers. His school skills are improving, but he's still not quite up to par yet.




Cody is in full swing in his basketball season this year. He enjoys it, but still doesn't have the skills as some of his team mates. This is his 5th year playing through the church - Upwards - program. He's made some good shots, but is still having a lot of problems with dribbling the ball and paying attention to what his team is doing around him. However, he's having fun and enjoying doing something out of the house that doesn't involve his tagalong brothers.

As for plans for the future I'll give you a looksie at my newest project - it's called "The Great Sequin Race." Yes, sequins...those things that you thought had died with the disco age have made their way back into our home in this day and age. I guess that requires some more explaining. First let me elaborate that we have discovered that sequins are a lot like glitter. They get everywhere and even though you vacuum and think you got them all, you don't. You find one of the little boogers hiding from you between couch cushions or in your child's cereal bowl.

Needless to say, our plans for our 10 Year Wedding Anniversary will be revealed in this picture:
Now, you can't tell, but there are sequins in every nook and cranny on this dress, which is discouraging, because I'm not really a sequiney kind of gal. This dress, the way its cut and such was the dress I wanted to originally marry Dan in 10 years ago (minus the sequins), but with us just starting out in life, couldn't afford. My dear husband, knowing his wife so well, while looking for some clothes for our kids not long ago found this dress and suggested I go have a look because I could use parts of it for the dress I was going to make for the ceremony. Nope, I picked it up for $50 bucks, brought it home, tried it on and realized that not only was it a perfect fit, but there would be no way I was going to tear it up just to use parts. There is that sequin thing tho...so Dan and I sit and watch tv at night with the dress draped between us - seeing who can get the most sequins off the thing. Thus, you know that show, "The Amazing Race" - we have our own little amazing race going on...

So yes, plans are in the works for our 10 Year Anniversary Gala - a ceremony which we will renew our vows to each other, and have a bit of fun with it as well...tee-hee....just you wait. Details will be forth coming...